Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Some bad news

As always, life has its ups and downs and I've had my share of both in the last couple of weeks. Finding out that I was expecting was so exciting. I could barely believe that I was going to soon be a mother of two! When you find out that you're pregnant you right away think of the end result, meeting that precious little baby in nine months. My pregnancy with Ryder was so trouble-free that I didn't even think anything could ever happen. So I was in total shock when I started bleeding. My heart literally jammed into my throat and my stomach dropped. I can't even begin to describe that feeling. The first thing I did was call my mom and I just started bawling. I know that it's not uncommon to bleed during a pregnancy but I just knew that something was wrong. Even just writing this I'm starting to tear up! I ended up going to the E.R. where they did an ultrasound. I felt so numb waiting for the doctor to come back with the results. John was thinking positive (as he always does :)...) but something felt wrong. When the doctor told us that we had lost the baby I started crying all over again. I kept thinking "I already knew it was going to be bad news so why am I reacting like this?" but to have my feelings confirmed meant that even the tiniest bit of hope that I had was now gone. I cried for the baby that had been lost and for the loss of the future that I had already started envisioning. Now, more than ever, I realize how blessed I am to have such a loving and caring family. If not for the support of my husband and mom and all my family and friends I would have been so lost in this trial. They have helped and are helping me accept my pain and move on. I know it's going to be a long journey. Being around people who are pregnant or just had a baby and hearing them talk about everything is really hard but I just smile because I truly am happy for them and I save my tears for later. I realize now what a miracle pregnancy really is and I know that I am so unbelievably blessed that God has given me such a wonderful son already. Ryder is a happy, healthy, growing little boy. What more can I ask for?

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